Are You Guilty of This Social Faux-Pas That Leaves Others Feeling Gutted and Angry?
A
mom’s group I attend announced a night out at an art studio. You choose
a project and spend the evening sanding, painting and stenciling until
you are holding a work of art you can take home or give as a gift. I had
just moved to town and was hoping to cement some of the new connections
I had made, so I decided to use up all my marital capital and ask my
husband to serve dinner and put our four kids to bed alone so that I
could attend this event.
As
I drove home, reeling with emotion, I wondered what went wrong. Instead
of leaving recharged, I was coming home from a mom’s night out feeling
gutted and angry. I walked into a chaotic house and faced an overwhelmed
husband who did his best to mask the stress he was feeling from flying
solo that night. “How was it? Did you have fun? Tell me about it”.
I
came to the event and was assigned a seat based on the project I chose.
Instead of being in a big group, we were divided into small tables. I
was assigned a seat with two women who were obviously good friends and
as it turns out, neighbors. I did not know either woman very well but
since I am an extremely extroverted person, I was not concerned. I might
even make a new friend!
I
know these women did not mean to leave me out intentionally. Their
obvious friendship made it easy for them to enjoy fun chit chat and
banter as I repeatedly tried to interject myself into their exchanges,
asking thoughtful questions about what was happening in their lives.
“How was your vacation”? “Tell me about the plans for your baby’s
nursery!” I received polite, quick replies but they repeatedly went back
to their conversation, never once engaging with the outsider at their table.
I finally gave up and used that time to sit quietly and think about my
to-do list, then politely excused myself as soon as my project was done.
I
am never one to wallow in sadness too long; I would rather learn the
lesson and move on. As I reflected on the evening, I realized that this
was not done out of mean-spiritedness. An established friendship can
make it easy to exclude others around you in social situations. The more
I thought about it, I was reminded of an unspoken rule my friend Alison
and I had.
Alison and I had a friendship that was one of the most
intimate of my life, coming from the shared experience of living abroad,
raising a large family and practicing the same faith. We met at a
women’s group that met on a weekly basis and our friendship grew from
there. Phone calls, meals out and coffee dates with her became an
important part of my life as an ex-pat. She took my kids while I was in
the hospital giving birth and helped me with marital problems. We read
books together and discussed podcasts. She was a friend sent me during a
long and often trying season of living in a foreign country.
Friendships
that run deep are one of life’s greatest gifts but they can make you
myopic in social situations, unable to see and ultimately, include the
other people around you. Even though this intimate friendship gave us a
familiarity that I have experienced with only a few other people, we had
one tacit agreement: in social situations, we do not stick together and
only talk with one another to the exclusion of others. Ex-pats often
attend social functions, to help the trailing spouse create connections
and friendships with other people in the same lot in life.
Group
events were places where we would engage with everyone instead of
pairing off and potentially making others feel unwelcome. If Alison and I
wanted to spend time together with just the two of us, we would set up
something for another time. I am so glad she set this tone early on in
our friendship and taught me this important lesson.
Life
has a way of making me re-learn the same lessons over and over again. I
firmly believe that every difficult life experience is a part of my
becoming. I hope that every day I become a kinder, more compassionate
woman. When people are with me, do they feel seen? Do they feel heard?
Even though I was already aware of this rule, I am glad that I was reminded of this important social grace.
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