ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

I am Forever Grateful!!!!

 

MY THROWBACK THURSDAY POST - BRAIN TUMOR SURVIVOR

February 27, 2014 at 11:19pm

So, it has been two months since my craniotomy, and I can honestly say I have come a long way both physically and emotionally!  As I celebrate my birthday TODAY, I am eternally gratefully to G-d, the Universe, whoever is in charge!  Even though I am not currently working, I am happy to have the time and health to have taken up my "mom duties" again!  Somehow, I had lapsed in this department.  Not only was I working full-time, an hour away, somehow, I had grown apathetic and aloof.  I don't know if I can blame it on my brain tumor but having survived one, I can definitely say, changed my life's perspective.

It is okay for now if I have to be in long car lines two times a day times two kids and it is okay if I have to go to the grocery store three times a week or pick up every shoe thrown around the house. I can appreciate those priceless moments, when my son tells me "Mommy, you are the best mom ever," when I know I am not.  I recognized that we don't have "forever."  I mean, I knew this as I experienced the death of my mom, many years ago but somehow, when you go through a life-altering experience, it hits home in a way that nothing else does.

I am also grateful to have found a (meningioma) group online of women (and some men)   https://www.facebook.com/groups/56743583446/  to ask questions when in doubt.  Things I wonder like, how long is my head going to feel numb?  And what others reactions were to steroids.  

P.S. I can honestly say that coming off of steroids was one of the worst experiences ever!

All in all, I realized that I was extremely lucky in having the results be a Grade 1 tumor (benign.)   Although there is nothing "benign" in having a brain tumor.  Non-malignant is a better term because benign implies non-hurtful & friendly and any tumor is never friendly or non-hurtful!  

Something like this changes you.  Even though most people, (even my doctors ) are so non-chalant about it because it was benign, it is still life-altering, especially on an emotional level.

I remember standing in front of the mirror and seeing my head open the day my incision opened (during a setback) and crying, not only because it hurt, but because I imagined the heartache my
mom and so many others went through having the knowledge that they would die. (My mom died at age 50 from cancer.)

As a mother now, I understand the absolute grief of the thought of leaving your family behind. There are thousands of people each day who are faced with death, whether it be cancer or a tumor etc.. and I, well, I am one of the lucky ones. Truly blessed and grateful! And so are you, if you are reading this.  You have another day in your life to make a difference, to fight, to be a warrior.  Take it!

Thank you, G-d, & whoever is in "charge" up there for giving me a "break" and letting me go on enjoying my blessings just a little longer...

HAIR DUE!

Okay, today is THE day that I am finally letting someone "do my hair since I had my brain surgery!" I am long overdue. Just the thought of someone shampooing and combing through my hair with all the bumps and grooves is giving me the "jeebie geebies," but I have to do this. It has been 5 months (post-op.) It is time! Only my Meningioma Mommas can relate to this anxiety! 

 I will keep you posted on how it goes! Hopefully, no more hats or bandanas!

CHOPPED IT OFF

I did it. The frustration level with my hair loss was so much that I grabbed a pair of Scissors, twisted a ponytail and chopped off my hair. I started with small chunks and then got more and more complicated! Yikes! And my bangs that had grown out for over a year, chopped. 😳 What possesed me?

My hair is taking is taking forever to grow back at the sight of incision ever since my craniotomy almost 4 months ago, but in the same breath, I have an incredible amount of hair loss - lack of vitamins perhaps? Titanium plate in my head, maybe? 

Sure, everyone said go have it cut, but my incision is still so red and raw that the thought of having someone comb through my hair gave me the "heebie jeebies" every time!

A word to the wise... Let your frustration feeling pass a little before you do something crazy.

Now, I am left with still wearing more hats and for a long time to come! And let's not mention  the 4 different colors on my head!  But hey, these are just the vain little things I must deal with. At least I still have my hair, well, sort of....😁

Little by little I kept chopping. Did I think I had gone to beauty school or something? Holy crap!

And then I kept going and going......

Nope, no more pictures!

YOU ARE CUTE (POST BRAIN SURGERY)

I was walking through the supermarket aisle looking for drinks on Super Bowl Sunday, looking lost and the guy who works there says to me, "Can I help you?" I said, "No thanks, I really don't know what I want."  He smiled and said, "You are cute."  I smiled, said thank you and walked away, in my Yankees cap and even though it made my day, I thought to myself, "Little does he know what's under this head!"  He wouldn't think it was so cute, if he saw it!

I am two-month post craniotomy and my emotions don't stop even after surgery.  I read a post from a fellow meningioma survivor, and I share the same sentiments:  

"I am in a place of absolute gratitude and I thank G-d (The Universe) every day and sometimes, even more than ten times a day.  Sometimes when I'm alone, I suddenly get emotional and it just catches up with me and say to myself "you had a brain tumor, you had your skull opened and your brain was rummaged in and you were blessed, you survived!!!"   

I wonder will these thoughts ever go away, or do they stay with you for your lifetime?  I do know that I am blessed! 

E-CARD

I just had to share this e-card that was posted online.  It seemed so appropriate because lately, after my craniotomy surgery, it appears I have zero tolerance for bulls#&@*  Not that I had much tolerance before but wow, now I just think people are so petty and the small stuff REALLY doesn't matter!

ROUGH RIDE

So, I am having some serious trouble moving on from the whole craniotomy thing.  It's been 3 weeks since my surgery to remove a (benign) meningioma.  Thankfully, I am much better, but now I am getting paranoid about having headaches and weird sensations in my nasal passages, the tightness in myskull: from the plates and screws holding the bone flap ( I guess!) It feels very tight like your skull is ridged instead of fluid feeling. (It is hard to explain but feels super weird plus continued poor vision out of my left eye.  The surgeon says that the vision problem has nothing to do with the surgery.  Hmm?  I know I am getting into the bi-focal stage (age 45 yr.) but I am very skeptical about that not being related.  The meningioma was the size of a lemon located in my left frontal lobe, so hmmm?!  I am also super freaked out about my scar and how big it is.  I was told by a massage therapist that I should massage it and put Vitamin E on it so that it doesn't remain hard and give me more headaches in the future.  Today, I looked at the actual entry point where the worst part of the scar is and I almost fainted.  Everyone tells me it's not so bad and that it is healing nicely, but I haven't shown anyone the ACTUAL entry point.  I know this is all superficial stuff  but it concerns me, nonetheless.  I guess I got worse because I started reading blogs about other people who have had removal of meningiomas and their stories are not all pretty.  Almost everyone says exhaustion is normal, so I don't feel so bad there but one person said it could take months even years to have your brain completely heal!  Wow!

I will tell you this, in the whole scope of things, right now , everything in my life makes sense.    If you have gone through this or any life change health-related event, I can tell you that the little things that bother you will fall by the way-side and you’ll just be really grateful to be alive, as I am! I am truly trying to enjoy that feeling (at least when I don't have headaches or when I am not being a referee to my two kids who are always arguing! :o)

It's a rough ride and very surreal and I know it will be a long road to full recovery but        I keep telling myself how lucky I am and trying to learn a little more each day.

STIR-CRAZY

I said I was moving on from the topic but I can't! This is why I blog, to vent!  I am feeling much better physically but now my vain, superficial-self is showing!  I am frustrated at this scar, although I am so grateful they did not shave my head.  I am tired of wearing a bandana but the scar is so creepy, I must.  It is itchy and it stings and my hair is three different colors!  My surgeon said I have to wait at least one month before I dye my hair again!  I am eating like a manic and I can't even blame it on the steroids anymore!  I go into fits of anger and rage and again, I cannot blame it on the steroids because I finished them a week ago!!! Right, it's not the steroids after effect?  I am going stir-crazy with two kids in the house until January 6th!  I really am grateful, but damn, I really I need "normal" again.  Whatever that is...

"Everything will be alright does not mean, Everything will stay the same."